Okay, so I had a shitty night tonight. I'm going to list off everything I don't like about myself, then see if I can find a way to fix them.

My Insecurities

-Overweight
-Messed up eye
-Short
-Too emotional
-Bi-Polar
-Acne
-Parents
-Money
-Work
-No Car
-Trust, or lack thereof
-Becoming attracted to females out of my league
-Putting myself down
-Letting myself be victimized
-Laziness
-Insomnia
-Procrastination
-Addiction to things I shouldn't be
-Being too respectful
-Always being the father figure at parties
-Being heartbroken constantly
-I don't see myself having a great future


So I'll try to work on all that.

It's been quite a stressful couple of days. Emotionally, anyway. I come to realize that I lost a decent amount of weight, yet I'm living off junk food because we never have a bulk amount of money to just go to a grocery store every so often, or whenever I suggest living cheap till I find work so we'll have more saved (IE: 99c Store, Ramen, etc), no one else in the house agrees. Picky ass eaters, man.

So the whole Marika thing got to me (oh by the way if you want the actual story of what happened just message me. It's fucked up so I'd rather explain it personally, if I HAVE to repeat it again), and I've just been saying "screw it all" and drinking/smoking myself into a comatose bliss of intoxication. I just don't know how someone could put such a negative label on me. I don't consider myself a bad person. AT ALL. I know I'm stubborn and I have a tendency to flip out, but I'm good at heart and in the end I try to live my life righteously. Am I wrong here?

But yes, the point is, I've been drowning myself in bottles upon bottles upon bottles and smoking everything I can get my hands on. I'm not trying to push blame on what happened with Marika, but subconsciously I know it's a major issue I'm not over, and it's supporting my bad habits. The house was in ruins, the floor is filthy, the disposal doesn't work so we have NO clean dishes mostly because Devon won't take 10 minutes to go to the office and tell them it's broken (because none of the rest of us are on the lease), and MY corner is piled with clothes because my goddamn door handle broke for my closet before I even moved back in.

That's when it hit me tonight after I sobered up. I don't want to live like this. I don't want this to be 'the party house' anymore. I want this to be somewhere I can enjoy living at, not ashamed that if (heaven forbid) I found a decent girl and I wanted to bring her home. I can't bring her home to THIS. I want to change my whole way of life so I can pull myself out of this slump I've been in the last couple of years of rebellion, but it's pretty fucking hard to do so when influences and addictions are all you see everyday. For some there's no way out. I don't want to fall into that category.

So it was exactly midnight tonight, and I was smoking a cigarette listening to The Adventure by Angels and Airwaves. That song always brings me up when I'm down. Then I looked down at my 'ashtray'. And if you haven't been to my house; my ashtray is a beat up old tire Rusty left on the back porch before he moved out. Since Ryan melted my Jack in the Box cup I was using as an ashtray one night, I just flipped the tire on it's side and had everybody throw their butts inside of the tire's rubber as a temporary solution till we got a flower pot or something. Little did I know everyone would get completely disrespectful and lazy and just toss them in that general direction, resulting in fucking up the balcony, getting my floor dirty so I can't go out back barefoot, and the worst part being the ashes are falling to the first floor of my neighbor's back porch because the floorboards have gaps in between them. I finished my cigarette, and just automatically started cleaning the house. I found a grand total of 6 budweiser cans, 6 coors light cans, 52 MGD bottles, 2 MGD 40oz bottles, 2 32oz Corona bottles, and a 5th of Southern Comfort. Not to mention the couple of liquor bottles we saved above the fridge, but those are for show. That's when I got pissed and considered it necessary to rant.

BY THE WAY: A necessary truth for you guys; the other day we got a COMPLAINT from management too. So this next segment will be a little harsh. For justified reasoning of course.

I swear to god I love my friends, but I've had enough of the disrespect.

I know some don't mean to do it, and I know it's force of habit. But EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO HAS BEEN IN THIS HOUSE HAS DONE AT LEAST 1 OF THESE THINGS:

-Spilled beer/bong water/soda/etc on the carpet, and left it there
-Stole 1+ lighters
-Leave your garbage in the living room (Me and Ryan sleep there. Knock it off)
-Sleep on the futon and don't even bother to push it back into a couch
-Tossing the Wii remotes anywhere you damn please. (They're $40+ people, Fuckin THINK.)
-Take DVDs out of the DVD player and DON'T put it back in the case
-Toss cigarettes anywhere NEAR the ashtray tire. Not IN it.
-Blasting the TV or Music after 9:30-10pm
-Stepped on your cigarette to put it out and leave the butt there.
-Leaving bottles/cans/caps/cigarette boxes on the balcony where it would eventually fall off.
-PISSING OFF THE BALCONY (HAVE SOME FUCKING DECENCY)
-TAGGING SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE WHERE ITS OBVIOUS SOMEONE AT OUR APARTMENT DID IT.
-Use at LEAST 1 dish or piece of silverware and either:
a)Leave it somewhere (usually where it'll get stepped on)
b)Hide it and forget about it
c)Put it on ANY counter in the kitchen assuming it's fine. BTW: It's not.
d)Toss it in the sink and leave it there.

I hate to sound like a prick, but all this shit pisses me off. Out of everyone who comes to kick it with us, 90% OF YOU are people we hang out with all the time; most times being at this apartment. I have NO problem having you guys come over. But seriously, can you just have the fucking respect to NOT destroy the place we sleep? I didn't realize how much you guys treat this place like a fuckin clubhouse until recently, and honestly I can't understand WHY you guys would think this shit is alright to do on a regular basis.

This is the deal: This isn't a house. We live in a paper-thin walled apartment on the second floor above a family with kids. When you get loud, throw stuff, kick your cigarette butts, piss off the balcony, the family BELOW us has to suffer for it. I dunno about YOU, but I think it's fucked up to do that to people you don't even know.

If not for that, then do it for the people who fucking LIVE in this apartment. Yes, we make messes too, but at the same time, think of the mess YOU ALONE leave behind. Now times that by about 5. Then times THAT by 7 days in a week. We get that much AND more because we always have people coming by. If we're trying to prevent making the mess, what makes you think we'll be okay with you just fucking it back up? We're not your fucking slaves guys. We opened up our home to you guys, and you return the favor by trashing the place.

It really makes me not want to invite people over here anymore.

So unless you guys fucking grow up and start respecting apartment 22, you might be S.O.L. in regards to a place to hang out and drink or smoke. It's your choice until the actual RESIDENTS in the house make the decision ourselves.

Goodnight.

So I decided to close my myspace for good.


WHY?!


Yes, I was known as the stereotypical "myspace whore", but last night was a really fucking depressing situation.


Alright, so I've known this chick Marika since the 9th grade through my ex Maria, but me and Marika never ACTUALLY met. We always talked on LJ and on the phone constantly (keep in mind this was before the myspace era). Then we started talking on myspace, and I JUST moved back to concord and told her we should hang out. We hung out overnight and yes, I was extremely shy because I've had a crush on this girl SINCE the 9th grade. She said she would share her bed with me, but I said "alright if that's okay with you" so we did. blah blah blah stuff happened and it seemed okay. We take the bus to her job and we part ways saying we'll hang out soon. We haven't spoken since.


Now, I don't know if it's because she has a boyfriend and she either feels GUILTY for what happened, or if he FOUND OUT, or if I came on TOO STRONG, or what.... But I think it's entirely unfair, fucked up, and downright heartless that she actually BLOCKED me without saying a word last night. She literally did. The worst part is I didn't get any closure. Sure, it could be her boyfriend being a dick, but then again, most girls are entirely untrustworthy. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?! I was so fucking depressed. I've had feelings for this girl I didn't know I could have. It must mean something that it's been this long and nothing's changed about her. It felt like something inside me died and my world was coming to an end. Misery. Straight up.

So that's when I realized that aside from some of the GREAT fucking things myspace has done (IE: Finding people I would've NEVER gotten back in contact after I moved to redding, and family I haven't seen in forever), myspace has too much drama, heartbreak, misery, anything you wanna call it. It just adds alot more drama than I need in my fucking life at this point in time. And I mean, I got all the friends I need and want, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. And the last thing I need is another crazy bitch I met on myspace screwing up my life. I'd rather be single than deal with another Cheyanne or Cecilie.

It's fucking lame. I'm not in high school anymore, and I don't need the drama dragged along with me. Hopefully I don't feel encouraged to go back to myspace, because honestly, the cons are way too much to take. So until the drama dies down, I'm not going back. The end.

Aiight, so I was kickin it alone again today, and I come up with an idea. See, I've never had true closure with my real father, and I feel like I should find a way to tell him my last words without having to deal with his shit, let alone look at him. So I was thinking of recording a song and sending it to him.

Now, to those who don't know the story, I'll fill you in:

When I was 4-5, my dad was constantly cheating on my mom with this woman named Janie across the street in our neighborhood. This all occurred right after his life risking accident at his job; he was locked inside a forklift he was using when it malfunctioned and sent him headfirst through a fiberglass window. He needed major head surgery and was expected to die soon after. But (unfortunately) he survived and was sent home on disability leave.
Anyways, this went on for months while my mother was working multiple shifts and hours at Safeway to make ends meet. Because I was always there, he dragged me with him, her and her son Billy and left me and Billy at a sort of daycare center called Kid's Park, while he and Janie snuck around town and kept screwing my family over. Soon after neighbors began to inform my mother, and no matter how many times she confronted him, my father denied the whole deal, saying the neighbors were trying to destroy our family. But my mom knew the truth.
Eventually my dad kept buying me things so I wouldn't say anything, until one night (and I distinctly remember this) my mom came into my room when I was about to go to sleep, and asked me for the truth. And I told her. They split up that night.
After that my parents went to court, and my mom suddenly became disabled from Multiple Sclerosis and had to leave her job. She couldn't take care of me with her financial situation and stress so she had me live with my dad until she could handle her life better. My father and Janie started an open relationship and forced me to move with them to several different areas around the bay. The whole time this was going on my stepmother (they got married) was heavy into speed and her and my dad fought constantly, breaking every fuckin thing in the house. She also kept trying to fight with my mom over things that didn't even concern her. Not to mention she, as well as my dad, favored her son over me, so I was constantly verbally and physically abused.
During that time my mother met up with a guy named Sean, and they moved in together. Sean was the most caring father figure I've ever had in my life. He was addicted to a number of drugs, but he did all in his power to make me feel like a son. Because their home made me feel like family and my father scared the shit outta me on a regular basis (not to mention I only got visitation to see my mom every other weekend), I kept fighting with my dad to get me to move in with them. He physically forced me to stay with him. Eventually my little brother, Sean Jr., was born in the late 90s.
By the time I was 15, my dad dragged me with HIS family to Oakley, where I met most of my bay area friends. Eventually he and Janie split up, so it was just me and him living there, among his multiple love interests that never worked out. So being the only other person in the house, I got tormented constantly at home. My mother broke up with Sean because of his drinking and moved up to Redding, so I was alone. Eventually the pressure of being abused and suicidal, I ran away to Redding with my mother. He disowned me.

So that's the general story. I didn't get into too much detail because there's alot of shit I'm still not over, and I want him to know that. I'm going to record a song and send it to him. I'll put it online before I do.

So today I've come to realize I really have no business at this point in time to be searching for a relationship. I mean look at me. I'm overweight, I live with my mom, I don't have a car, and I don't even have a job right now. I've got nothing to show for how far I've come from.

Normally this would depress me. But for some reason, I'm okay with it.

I mean yeah, I'm LUCKY if I get to see friends once a week, but I mean... I got my DS, the internet, a roof over my head with family, and my own bed finally.

I guess it could be worse?

So I haven't listened to AFI in quite a while, and if you know me well enough, you know AFI is one of my all-time favorite bands, if not at the top of my list. But listening to the tracks on the DecemberUnderground album, I came to realize that EVERY SINGLE SONG brings back a memory of 2006. Some good, some bad. But overall, it's the one cd that can reflect my whole last year's experience into one small disk. I wrote descriptions to show everyone what I mean.

DecemberUnderground
By AFI

Prelude 12/21 - Walking home from Chinese Gourmet with nothing but a CD player and a backpack with my work clothes. I listened to it to give me inspiration on my life. I was where God wanted me to be, and for some reason this was a part of his almighty plan.

Kill Caustic - A haunting nightmare revolving around living with my father and his abusive relationship towards his youngest son. I listened to it to help me face my fear that my father wasn't in my life anymore, and how far I've come emotionally to be where I am today.

Miss Murder - Two memories. The first being when I lived in Sacramento with Alex, Matt and Chris. With three out of four of us in a band, and living together, having our own instruments and recording equipment in our OWN recording room, I was SO freakin psyched to finally be part of a band like I've always dreamed. Though we all had creative differences, it was great to just fucking JAM. Not to mention I played Miss Murder religiously... The second memory is Lacy. I admit, I loved her so fucking much. She was the one girl I always had in the back of my mind, and I was waiting to come back to be with her. She was my miss murder.

Summer Shudder - The pleasant bus rides from my home in Sunnydale to the heart of the city. It made me feel like everything would finally work out, because I've always dreamed of living in the big city with my older brother, and though the circumstances sucked, I got what I wished for.

The Interview - The time I feel like I finally hit rock bottom. I was addicted to this song and listened to it 24/7 when me and my older brother got evicted and I was forced to leave the city I loved, to Hayward; the city I despised.

Love Like Winter - My visits to Redding. I always listened to it on the way up. It make me remember all the good times I've had growing up with the Vagrant Souls.

Affliction - Playing Bass and jamming in Cody's basement with him and Donny. I finally felt appreciated for my talents, whether I was well experienced at playing an instrument or not.

The Missing Frame - The morning after a huge drunken party (usually at Casey's). I finally had friends which I haven't had in a while since I moved from Redding. I felt like I was FINALLY not going to be alone again.

Kiss And Control - When I moved back to my grandparents house for the 2nd time. I kid you not, i felt like finally ending it all and hanging myself from the back of the gazebo. It finally felt like my life had no meaning. I lost my friends, I lost my purpose, and I was depending on my grandparents to prevent me from living on the streets again.

The Killing Lights - All the time when I was in San Francisco. This track was my motivation to go back to Redding where I felt like I belong. I felt like right when I hopped off that greyhound bus, the whole fucking group would bust out with instruments and we'd be singing that song live, in the middle of the street. The most hopeful song I ever heard.

37mm - Every time I was alone in the apartment in Concord, I'd blast this song. It was the first song Ben played when I first came to visit last year, and it's been an alltime fave ever since. It always reminds me of the times I spent with the guy who basically raised me. The good, the bad. He was always there. Even when I hate him, I love him.

Endlessly, She Said - Yet another song that reminded me of Lacy. It was near October when I finally gave up on the one I desperately loved with all my heart. It also made me realize that it's been almost 2 years, and nothing ever stays the same. I thought she would be there for me, but she was never there to begin with.

Humans. Does anyone else besides ME find them completely ridiculous? I mean, we fight, we cry, we murder, we backstab, we love, we hate, we hold grudges, and we never forget. We're quite possibly the most unpredictable hostile creatures to ever walk the earth.

I hate the fact that I either get attached to a girl too easily, or I never do no matter how great they are. It's never in between. I've come to realize women are nothing but fucking letdowns, and to this day there's not ONE that's ceased to change my opinion. Especially to those that say they see things happening between me and them, and suddenly ignore me completely. Why isn't there a woman that's just true to herself as much as she is with someone who cares about her? Fucking stupidity!!!

In other news, I got my last taco bell check the other day. I bought some smoking paraphernalia, which I adore. It helps make people seem less stupid when you don't have to think too hard about their dumbass actions. Today I also got a DS and a couple games and a leather case. My mother paid for half of my DS, so I'm happy. Now I have my own again so I can drag it everywhere when I get bored, which usually happens.

But yeah, sorry so short and so angry, like my usual postings, but I needed to vent a bit.

God now i'm fucking confused. The days draw nearer, and i'll admit, I've thought long and hard about this and i'm certain i'd do better in the bay.


But do i wanna take the easy way out without giving this place another shot?


I dunno, but maybe everyone was right. I'm running from my problems.

So I work at Taco Bell now. 7.50, but I get about 32-40 hours weekly. Sweet gig.

But I am generally posting this blog to vent some random thoughts I've had the past couple days.

-You know what? I consider myself a good catch. I don't give a fuck what girls think of me, because i'm actually a really good person. Sure, I don't have the greatest life situation right now, but as a person I think I should be more appreciated. Call me conceited. Fuck you.

-Isn't it funny how fat girls are huge sluts? I'm not saying all of them, and I'm not talking about chubby girls. I'm talking FAT bitches. Tonka Truck Beezies. It's really gross to see a tonka bitch wearing a short skirt, with a slutty tube top (probably originally a dress that her fat ate most of), and worst of all, a tongue piercing she likes to show off. How do you NOT want to chop your dick off and throw it in a meat grinder after seeing something like that? Fat girls: I'm not an asshole. I don't hate you. But honestly, you of all people should be able to tell if you're too big to wear something. So if it looks like you're smuggling a waterbed in your shirt, please do us all a favor; go to the women's big and tall.

-Jesus freaks. Come on. I don't hate any religion. I respect every single one of them for their own reasons. But if you're going to surround your whole LIFE around a belief, then why are you living? Why must you torment everyone on earth by shoving a book (the holy bible, the book of mormon, the korran, etc.) down everybody's throat. Just go meet your maker, and stop eye-fucking him every night on your knees before you go to bed. Most religion is based on life, so stop trying to control everyone elses and live your own.

-Protest. I'm not saying it doesn't work, but my suggestion is to protest from the inside out. Stop being a lazy ass and stand outside a building with a picket sign. Write your issues with what you are against/for, learn opposing arguements and weigh out the pros and cons. Stop bitching just to bitch. What you think is good for the world might not be. There's times for war, there's times for peace, there's times for abortions, there's times for marriage, whether gay or straight. Stop being assholes and get some goddamn lives.

Yeah, I've seen alot of these types, and they've been upsetting me lately.

But yeah, I'm still happy. I have a job. Go me.

So the drastic lifestyle change from "Hyphy Yay Area" to "Kickback Redding" has been an extreme one. I'm not used to not being afraid of alot of things. I mean, people leave their housedoors and car doors unlocked, windows rolled down, and know no one is going to fuck with their stuff. People ask for cigarettes, and if you say you don't have any, they won't pester you about it.

So what I'm trying to say is: Redding-folk are great.

Even better is that diversity has finally come to the table up here. Now it's not just white people, but it's still not a bunch of ghetto ass thugs trying to start shit for no reason. I fuckin love it.

The thing with my friends though... No offense to them, but I gotta make some new friends. Alot of them don't have the resources, the time and/or the energy to just come by to say hi. There have been times when people would come out to pick me up and we'd have a pretty fun time just cruisin like old times, which I adore, but it's really not like the way things used to be whatsoever. Nobody is close. Nobody is helpful. Everyone has their own cliques and went their separate ways. I guess I should do the same.

Me and my mom patched up an extraordinarily vast amount of issues we used to have. We're like family again. She's helping me out because she knows I'm in a tight spot, and she knows I'm doing all I can to succeed. I think it was just a bad time for both of us back then. I was a rebel, and she was afraid of the future. Now I think we both see eye to eye, but only time will tell.

I've settled down on the whole drinking and getting high stuff. I'll admit, I miss it, and I probably won't upright quit, but I don't like those things to be a part of my normal routine. It really depresses me to feel like I have a dependency on them to get me through a hard day. I feel very accomplished that I've gone without most of the time I've been up here so far, and glad that if I smoke or drink I choose to do so, not because I have to.

I honestly have to say it's the beginning of yet another life for me. I saw the chance, and I took it. I even have witnesses who have seen the trials and tribulations I've gone through to get this far. To be completely truthful, if I saw how my life would be like throughout last year before I moved out of this town in December 2005, I probably would have killed myself because I wouldn't believe I could or would be able to handle that much of a dramatic metamorphesis to become the person I am today. I've become very optimistic about life, and it's a great feeling.

I am Paul Zuelzke. I am 5'6, 220 lbs, I smoke cigarettes, weed, and I drink on occasion. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. I love videogames, the internet, books, and dungeons and dragons. I love music in any genre, from Horrorcore to Alternative to J-Pop, and I aspire to be a musician. I am shy, I am outgoing, I am constantly stressed and depressed, though I most times supress it. I have no car, no bed, no home to call my own. I have many friends in different areas, and I love them all.

This is who I am. And I'm finally proud of who I have, and will, become.

Alright, so I leave in precisely 5 hours from now, so I'm going to leave a personal message for everyone I can remember to mention in this. If you're not in, I apologize.

Devon: I've known you since the 6th grade. I finally came to terms that we were losers in school (both middle AND high), but I can't say I didn't have a killer fuckin time with us being nerdy takin the bus at 5am haha. I'm gonna miss you man. You're the one person I could always turn to without having judgement on me. Thanks for everything.

Donny: Since the 4th grade you've been the nicest/funniest mutherfucker I've ever met. I honestly don't know how I could've gotten by without kickin it with you man. You're one of the best friends anyone could or would want to have. You changed my life alot, and if it weren't for you my emo ass would be dead in a gutter in hayward. Thanks.

Maddy: You sexy bitch, you're so fucking cool. I never realized anyone who looked like a giant barbie could have such an amazing personality. I'll never forget you. Even though we never did it. You make my pee-pee stiff. The end. hahaha. P.S. you better come out to redding alot.

Rusty: I miss having you as a roommate cuz you're such a unique individual. A party in room 22 isn't really a party unless it results with Rusty dancing around in his 'sexy undies'. I love how we had alot of outings I won't forget. Thanks for being the field trip guy. You made life here worthwhile.

Ryan: We had our problems with alot of shit, but honestly you're like the brother I HAD to have. It's like how I put it the other day: He has to wear the helmet cuz he's half retarded, but he's still fun to have around! hahaha. Take care of yourself buddy. You'll be alright if you don't analyze your life as much.

Kasey: We haven't known each other that long, but you're definitely a great friend. Not to mention you're hella fun to smoke with lol. I'll try my best to be out here alot, especially for santa cruz ^_^

Kyle: Dude, I'm pretty sure we're exactly alike in almost every way. It's kinda sickening. We gotta get drunk again and party hard soon.

Ivan: You're such a douche to people, but it's not to me, so it's fuckin hilarious.

And a special shoutout to a certain someone:

CHEYANNE: you're a dumb cunt piece of shit and i regret even knowing you. you're living proof that sometimes it's better to be alone than with anyone at all. You're the queen of rebound girls and I hope Chance realizes that before he does something stupid, like let you move in. You freeload, you're extremely irritating, and the smell that lingers off you is fucking UNGODLY horrible. Not to mention clingy as FUCK. Good luck to Chance. I feel sorry for the poor guy, receiving a fucking cut off ponytail of your DIRTY ASS HAIR..... Not only is that gross, it's fucking insane. Have a nice life, bitch. :D




To everyone, including those I didn't mention: I love you guys. Every single one of you has made an impact on my life that I won't soon forget. You made moving to the bay area probably the best mistake I've ever made. Thank every one of you.

It's been a long time since I posted something. Alot of shit's gone down too. I went from INTO a relationship and LEFT it. Jan 1st-February 23rd. Now she's a bitch that won't get out my fuckin house and insists on bringing her new boyfriend home.

The one girl I actually had a general interest in (everyone knows her name) did a full fletched tongue-in-throat makeout session with an old best friend. Kinda reminds me of RICHARD from 9th grade; a best friend who makes out with a girl i really care about, strictly for the thrill.

I hate alot of people right now. I'm at yet another low emotional point.

It's been over a year since I made my second biggest life altering mistake of moving out of redding. Since then what do I have to show for it? I've got SOME good friends, yes. But along with them came heartbreak, backstabbers, liars, fakes, assholes, druggies, and some upright losers. It's the primary reason I wanted to leave the bay area when I was 15. And along with that state of mind, I'm gonna leave again. This time for good. Never wanna live here again.

I'm sorry to people I made promises to, but I'm sick of this place.


I miss my friends FAMILY.


I miss Redding.

My mom finally called me after a year of not talking. She's much better now, and offered to let me move in till I find a place. I'm gonna do it. I just gotta situate a job transfer so I don't go up there unemployed.


"On the day when the wagons come, I just pray that you let me on."

So I've gotten back into ICP and the Juggalo lifestyle. It's fuckin great. I dunno why I left it in the first place.


No, yes I do. I was wondering if I was a Juggalo for what was inside me, or because it was the outcast thing to do. And yes, it was because it's what's inside me. I feel at home again.

Speaking of home, I'm planning to get shit situated out here, and HOPEFULLY be back in Redding by July next year. I just wanna make sure I don't make another big mistake, so it's quite debatable over the next 8 months. I'm hoping to get a car, stick with the same job, hopefully start college in a field I'd like to pursue a career in. Not to mention have enough clothes to get by and be financially secure to be independent. It'd be nice to be able to start making music again too.

Let's see... Well, lately I've realized Starbucks isn't so great. People talk shit behind your back if you don't work with enough 'real' people. There's still those 'superior' people. You know them; they're the ones who force you to do all the bullshit work because you aren't in tight with them and other people are. I'd expect that kinda shit if everyone else at the store was uptight, but the fact that everyone else is hella down to earth and there just happens to be one or two bitches pisses me the fuck off.

And above all else, I know it's not my manager's fault, but my hours are cut DRASTICALLY. I guess it's not apparent that I don't have a car so I can't just travel to any other fuckin store and ask for extra shifts. I'm practically begging and bribing my coworkers to gimme their shifts just so my whole paycheck won't just go towards rent. I'm running out of clothes, and since it's been getting hella fucking cold outside lately, I don't even have warm clothes. Not to mention my inflatable mattress is destroyed. But I can live on the couch until we move into the two bedroom.

I'm stuck on Resident Evil 4. A little off topic, but still. And I feel hella bad, considering I reserved it and sold my soul (gave up animal crossing) for it, but I just haven't been in a Final Fantasy mood, so my DS has just been collecting dust. It makes me sad :(.

OH. I met this AWESOME girl at Casey's birthday party. She's hot, she's a partygirl, she likes KMK and ICP, she sees horror films for the blood and gore, and she's HELLA fucking cool to talk to. But I don't think she's feelin me. It fuckin sucks. Depressing, if you will, but oh well. Hopefully that'll change.

Yeah, that's really all that's been going on. I know I say it everytime, but my world isn't that interesting at this point in time. Not much has been going on. I work, I come home, I chill with friends, I smoke till I'm happy, I sleep. It really sucks cuz I still feel like I'm goin nowhere, but at least it's stable. For now.

I GOT THE NINTENDO WII!


It it sheer sex. Nothing can top it. Fuck the PS3, Fuck the Xbox360, fuck all that shit.


Twilight princess = <3.



But yeah, goodbye social life. Wii has my heart now.



What else... hmm.... Well, I admit, I'm in love with someone who does nothing but hurt me. I knew she was the one I wanted to be with since the first day I met her, and I have witnesses who have seen me when I'm around her. She was completely obvlivious because she is, I hate to say, one who gets around. Not slutty, mind you. Just one of those people who seem to crush on a different person one after the other. Majority of them are close friends of mine.

I know she'd be happy with me, but she doesn't care. She knows I love her. She knows how much. She doesn't care.

Sorry if I sound emo, but she proves that not everyone can be happy with the one they love. Sometimes they just have to be without them and get over it.


This is the case for me.


I'll admit. I love this girl. But this is the second time she led me on, and fool me twice, shame on me. She promised me so many things that I knew wouldn't come true. But with my easily gullible heart, I believed her, only to be stomped on AGAIN.

I never cared about the girls I dated after I met her. They don't matter to me. She does.





TO THE ONE I LOVED... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.



Always by Saliva


I hear, a voice say "Don't be so blind"
It's telling me all these things
That you would probably hide
Am I, your one and only desire
Am I the reason you breathe
Or am I the reason you cry?

Always, always, always, always, always, always,
I just can't live without you...

I love you
I hate you
I can't get around you.
I breathe you
I taste you
I can't live without you.
I just can't take anymore
This life of solitude
I guess that I'm out the door
And now I'm done with you.

(Done with you, done with you, done with you, done with you, done with you)

I feel, like you don't want me around
I guess I'll pack all my things
I guess I'll see you around
It's all, been bottled up until now
As I walk out your door
All I can hear is the sound

Always, always, always, always, always, always,
I just can't live without you...

I love you
I hate you
I can't get around you.
I breathe you
I taste you
I can't live without you.
I just can't take anymore
This life of solitude
I guess that I'm out the door
And now I'm done with you.

I love you
I hate you
I can't live without you.

I left my head around your heart,
Why would you tear my world apart?

Always, always, always, always.

I see, the blood all over your hands
Does it make you feel, more like a man
Was it all, just a part of your plan
The pistol's shakin' in my hands
And all I hear is the sound.

I love you
I hate you
I can't live without you.
I breathe you
I taste you
I can't live without you.
I just can't take anymore
This life of solitude
I guess that i'm out the door
And now i'm done with you.

I love you
I hate you
I can't live without you.
I love you
I hate you
I can't live without you.
I just can't take anymore
This life of solitude
I pick myself off the floor,
And now i'm done with you.

Always
Always
Always.

Alright haven't updated much lately. Yet again. Mostly because if I'm not working I'm out partying or some shit.


I actually got to visit Redding for 12 hours on the 29th. It was fucking great. I really wish I didn't smoke all that weed though. I barely remember shit.


I got to see the one girl that means more to me than anyone else: Lacy. I don't care who knows it. Ever since I first met that girl I knew no one else could compare to her. Maybe that's why I can't deal with some of these bitches I met in the bay. I dunno. She seems to complete me in ways no one else could. And I've never even kissed her.

The thing is, I dunno if it was because I was stoned outta my mind, or the fact that she didn't like the new me, but she didn't really talk to me at all. In fact, I don't really remember having dialogue come out of her mouth directed towards me. What did I do wrong? Did she change the way she felt? Did she not like the new me?

I swear to god, half of me says this last year has straightened me out, but the other half says this last year has fucked me up beyond repair. Was I fine the way I used to be? Is it really me, or is it those who knew who I WAS and are comparing my new self to the past? How DIFFERENT would things be if I came back up there, with the newfound Kaz? Would they accept me or push me away? Would they love me more or less? How would things change?

I haven't really gave it much thought until tonight. It worries me. I knew going back up there to see everyone I loved would haunt me to move back up there and make this decision this fucking tough again. After a solid year of not seeing the people who raised you, who loved you, the ones who stuck by you and vice versa no matter who was fucking up over what.... It just makes it difficult.


Don't get me wrong. I relinked friendships with people out here who are in fact some of the coolest mutherfuckers I've ever met. If I could have it my way, I'd have my click out here move up with me to Redding, strictly because I know everyone would get along because they're all almost the same.

The thing is, I can't get what I want. No matter how much it hurts. And honestly, after seeing and dealing with all the problems the Bay has to offer now that it didn't have as much back then, I see I made a mistake wanting to come back so badly. I've seen so much that I didn't want to see or have to put up with in general. Mainly in the ghetto ass community. Up in Redding, NONE of that shit happens. The most we'd have to deal with is some redneck begging you for change so he could get drunk. And he wouldn't fucking JUMP you for it.


I'm sorry if this sounds like the most racist thing ever, but I gotta say this:

To the black community: If you really want to stop being opressed, stop feeling like the outsiders, then QUIT WITH THIS FUCKING "OH I GOTTA BE A FUCKIN BOSS" BULLSHIT. IT SOLVES NOTHING. NOT A FUCKING THING. I'M FUCKING SICK OF WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH THESE FUCKING THUGGED OUT KIDS TRYING TO START SHIT WHEN I'M ON MY WAY TO WORK AT 7 IN THE MORNING. GET A FUCKING LIFE, GET A FUCKING JOB AND START MAKING YOUR OWN MONEY. I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Anyways, back to my point. Redding is the fucking boondocks. I know this. It's full of Rednecks. But now I know that NOTHING is worse than these fucking ghetto hyphy kids on every fucking block. I can't hang out in public by myself anymore strictly because I'm white and I don't dress like a fucking wigger. I have to fucking watch my back cuz I don't have a car to get myself to work everyday. I can't fucking walk to the store because some punk ass bitch is gonna hit me up for my money. The money I actually WORKED for. Redding was chill. If you had a car, you could find something to do, find people to hang out with, and not worry about having your windows busted or your stereo stolen.

I dunno what's happening yet. Come January Donny's gonna be yet another roommate (total of four including myself), and rent will be about 250 a month each. Once Donny gets promoted and gets a new car he's gonna sell me his 86 nissan for 400 bucks, that's including after he gets it repaired. Whether or not I get my ass the fuck outta here after that is all on me. But both situations seem good for the most part. Living in Concord, I've started digging myself outta this four-year hole I've buried myself in. Ever since I ran away.

Goddamn it seems alot longer than that.


Ok, onto other things. I hate ex girlfriends. They're just fucking retarded. Some are worth keeping friendships with, but they are VERY FEW and far between. So far the only one I consider worth talking to is Brittany. ALMOST every other girl I regrettebly dated however are fucking idiots who need to be slapped. I'm sick of this shit.

Starbucks is awesome. Been working there for a month now, and it's the greatest job I've had. Everyone there is awesome, it's a huge chain so in 6 months i'm almost guaranteed a transfer anywhere in the US, I can get benefits after 90 days, and the pay is pretty fucking decent, considering I don't really ever get over 30 hours a week. Tonight i was one of the four people to decorate for the Christmas season. It was fuckin fun. My manager just recently got into this new job title though and hella people are giving her shit no matter how hard she's working her fucking ass off. Poor girl. She's the coolest manager I've had and she's getting the most grief for no real reason. Wish I could do something, but I'm just a simple barista.


I dunno why, but I'm psyched about becoming a certified Barista. I used to diss ANYONE who went to starbucks cuz it was the trendy thing to do at that time, but now that I got into it it's really not so bad. Maybe it's just that I changed who I am and I'm not so closed-minded, or the fact that it's like crack, but Starbucks is awesome :D.

I'm fucking PSYCHED about getting the new nintendo wii on the 19th. Me and Donny are prolly gonna be camping out in front of circuit city the day before it comes out (hopefully if I get the day off), that way we can pick it up since they're not having any reserves for it. Plus I have FF3 on reserve for the DS and that comes out on the 15th, so I'll have something hella badass to entertain me till I can fuckin rock the new Zelda game :D

Still haven't talked to my parents. It's a little depressing, especially around these holidays. I've tried calling both of them, but they don't answer. My mom is a trailer park white trash internet whore, and my dad is a self-obsessed tightwad asshole who thinks he owns the damn world. Perfect pair. WHY THE FUCK DO I MISS THEM?

I dunno, it's probably not really a "missing" situation. It's more like... No matter if they raised me or not, which I really believe they didn't after I was 6, they were the people I had to see everyday, whether I wanted to or not. They did tell me things that were true though. They both said I'd regret growing up someday. I do. I didn't realize what they meant till I finally hit rock bottom, but the point got across.

But at the same time, if they were such great parents, how could they drop me so fast? My dad just kept pushing me to do things I didn't want to do and beat the shit outta me if I failed, and my mom was just a drunken bitch who would be SO goddamn immature that whenever I decided I didn't want to argue and calmly left the room, SHE would be the one breaking shit and throwing tantrums. I can honestly admit this without being concieted, but I have grown up to be better than both of these people. Despite my flaws (i'm not perfect, I know. GOD am I not perfect), I have turned out way better than Tracy Stoller and Bob Zuelzke could ever be. I guess deep down I knew I didn't wanna be like either of them, and right when I knew that I did whatever it took to change so I wouldn't grow up to be like that.

Wow. Just typing that I kinda had an epiphany. It just really hit me about what happened. They didn't drop me. I dropped them. I've probably admitted that before, but I never realized what the words meant. They didn't give up on me. They never disowned me. I disowned THEM. I knew I didn't need them and I knew they did nothing but hurt me. I. FUCKING. LEFT. THEM. BEHIND. Despite what has happened to me, I know that I could've turned out a HELLOFALOT worse if I stayed around either of them. With my dad I was a pansy ass that couldn't even kiss a girl cuz I knew my dad would find out and beat me for "fucking up my future thinking about girls". And with my mom I was nothing but an angry kid who would become so emo every night that he would just drink his problems away and take medication drugs hoping he could overdose and die in his sleep just so he wouldn't wake up to feel miserable anymore as he did everyday.

I've really been about 3-4 people since I was 15. Fucking nuts.

Anyways, it's fucking 3:30 in the morning, and I'm fucking exhausted. I just had to get alot of shit off my chest, and if you read through this whole fucking post, bravo. You're awesome ^_^

Damn, I don't post blogs as much as I used to. Maybe that's because not many people read them, or something. I dunno.

Life in Concord is swell. I have good roommates, good friends, good job, and a good outlook on life. I'm not pulling in hella bank and living in a nice ass house with a nice ass car, but I'm doing alot better than I used to.

Today Donny, Cody and I are gonna be talkin about some place Cody found out in antioch. It's one of those little buildings in the back of a regular house that someone's renting out to us for 600 a month. It's a 2 bedroom, so either me and donny share a room or I clear a corner of the living room and make that my personal spot. I'm still debating to either stay with rusty and veronica or move with donny and cody. I think donny and cody would be a better choice though, considering it'd be a little isolated home, not a cramped apartment with neighbors below/above and to the sides of us.


I like my isolation.


Wanna know what sucks? I can't pay my phone bill because I don't get paid till the third. Which sucks because today is the last day of my phone service. Fuckin shit. Hopefully someone can help me out till I get paid. All i have is about 12 bucks from tips.

Yeah well honestly I'm not in the mood to type anything else. Yeah.

Okay, so about a week or two ago, I had a dream. One I wished I never had to escape from. This is what happened:

I walked into my apartment, but everyone was gone. It was pitch black in the house, and suddenly a candle lit up and there was a man there. Not just a man. He was decrepid and his skin was wrinkled, yet firm and solid skin. He asked me if I could take back life, would I. I said yes. I walked back out through the front door, but on the other side was the room I had in Oakley in 6th grade. I was just starting middle school all over again.

I re-lived my whole middle school era, living it the way I should've. I was braver. I was more confident. I accomplished school goals. I became what I should've started out to be. I had real friends. I wasn't a tagalong. I was great in school. My dad stopped hassling me because I stood up against him and never let him kick me when I was down. I actually enjoyed growing up.


Then 9th grade came along. I chose to go to Antioch High with everyone else instead of Deer Valley. I also decided to go to homecoming. I never went in reality. I got checked at the front that night, and I was thrown in juvy for carrying this giant knife Rob gave me before I left Redding. What I didn't realize in my dream was how I had the knife, and how was I going to explain where I got it.

I carry the knife because of what happened in Hayward on my birthday. I carry it for safety. I got it from my friend Rob before I left Redding. I couldn't explain that to the police because in that time period I never even WENT to redding. I was terrified. It was at that moment I woke up.

The weird part is that I tried to go back to sleep so I could go back to that life. Anything is better than the path I chose. There are things I would miss dearly, but my future seems bleak at this rate. I know that if I would've done better at a young age I'd be better in the long run, especially now.

Things I regret/miss/wish I would've done:

-Stood up for myself

-Be an individual

-Never let my parents own my emotions

-Went to a different school

-Never ran away from Oakley

-Do better in school

-Think about my future instead of being so impulsive

-Do more for myself rather than do for others.

-Love life

There's alot more. ALOT more.


I just don't know when that list would end.

Well, I've been hideously bored all day, and feeling different on old subjects, so I thought I'd write what I've decided to do in the near future.


I consider myself similar to an empty glass. Consider different beverages to be different emotions, states of mind, and all around attitude about everything. Every once in a while the glass is filled with some kind of beverage. Once that happens, it takes a while to drink every last drop. And the thing is, whenever that glass is filled, you can't combine it with any other beverage. It's not a fucking hybrid. And honestly, the certain changes tend to happen at the worst available time for the most part.


If you understood that, thanks. If not, oh well. I tried.


Well, I know it'll putt alot of people off, but I'm back into the Juggalo lifestyle again. And honestly, I don't see that changing at all.

IF YOU ARE NOT INTO THAT KINDA THING, DON'T BOTHER READING THE FOLLOWING:

So Psychopathic Records is going to fucking hell. As soon as I heard about the Axe Murder Boys winning the contest, I had a hunch things were gonna go downhill. But never like this.

ABK got cheated outta money he earned so ICP could help fund the AMB budget for their album, which is pure shit by the way. Jumpsteady has more talent than them.

Personally, I think that is completely fucked up. ABK did alot to get his albums out there, and right when he's working on 3 projects (including SoopaHeroez), they pull that shit. Plus he was one of the talented acts in Psy.

THEN Esham and Lavel leave. I dunno why Esham left, but Lavel left because he worked on the beats for SoopaVillians and got cheated outta alot of the profits. I don't blame him one bit being pissed about it.

The funny thing is, these three MCs went off on Lavel's mixtape, dissing ICP.

Yet ICP plays innocent and acts like nothing is their fault.

They suck now anyways. They can NEVER top anything up to The Wraith. I hate to admit it but even Hell's Pit wasn't entirely great. It's fun to listen to once in a while but that's it. The Calm was a waste of FIVE dollars, and I don't expect much from The Tempest at all.

The only group I see talented in that label now is Twiztid. I'm praying to GOD they get the fuck outta that before they end up getting pissed at J and Shaggy and end up quitting rap. They're the best murder rap group out there. It'd be horrible without them.
---------------------------------

TO EVERYONE WHO DIDN'T READ THAT... YOU CAN READ NOW ^_^


So because of all the bullshit with Psy, it's really made me pissed off that ICP could screw over all their fans like that. To me fans are everything. They were when I was making music, and even now I consider that number one in any industry.

That's why I've decided to get back into music. Music is for the people, not for the 'almighty dollar'.

Shorty Kamikaze is born yo.

I CANNOT WAIT TILL I FUCKING MOVE OUT OF THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT TOWN.

Seriously, I apologize to everyone I'm leaving behind. I truly am. I love all of you and I'll miss you like FUCK, but I can't take this much longer. I know I'm redundant in this, but some people just can't understand how much this means to me. I gotta get outta here. Back to where I was happy. Back home. Back with friends who are closer than family. Back in the town where there wasn't a damn thing to do, but you didn't have to worry about getting jumped a fucking BLOCK away from your house. I miss those times. And come January (at the latest), I'll have those times back. For good.


To be honest, January is my destination time to move. But depending on how much I save, I'll leave whenever the first chance comes up. It's gotten so bad out here that I'm fuckin tripping out about walking outside my house. My grandparents are starting to give me the cold shoulder, somewhat nudging me to leave. That's the worst feeling in the world. To be cast out. It really hurts, but I can't explain that to them.


I'm out of here. Mentally, and soon, physically.


Corey, Rob, Ben.... And everyone else.


I'm coming home.